Sitting in Starbucks feeling nostalgic today. I feel like crawling into my soul; I wish to go down deep and hibernate for a time. The past weeks have been incredibly stressful and I know I am not coping well. The pain I endure with arthritis as well and the constant aggravation of those around me who lack any sort of respect for others has combined and turned me into something even I don’t recognize. I am not nice. I am not patient. I forget how to be kind. All these things are so important to me. So I am projecting – almost like vomiting hurt, anger and pain to anyone who crosses me in a way I find disagreeable.
My heart is empty. I do very little that inspires my heart. Some of the people I call friends are in a space of wanting what they can get from me. I am not feeling loved for who I am and I am finding that hurtful. I have allowed myself to be taken advantage of and a lot of how I feel is self loathing. How is it that I allow this to happen? I am also unsure as to why I believe that modeling kindness would ever have brought kindness back to me when I most need it.
I am lonely. Surrounded by 100’s of people but incredibly lonely. I know this is self-created but I can’t seem to find a way to open. The lonelier I feel, the more closed I become.
The effort that it takes to live my life to this date has been incredibly difficult. I think I have had maybe 8 years of my entire life where I have felt self satisfied and blissful in my personal accomplishments. My burgeoning design career, when I was in Calgary, my little white house on 76 Avenue in Edmonton and my beautiful daughter. These three things that I have achieved through MY OWN efforts have brought me incredible joy. They are the greatest joys of my life.
I need to speak openly about my relationship with my husband. I once would have had him as the fourth however despite all the love I have given him, it hasn’t been a “marriage” in the way I have needed it to be. This works both ways. I am now to blame as well. The more selfish he is, the more selfish I become. The funny thing is that he is my greatest friend. My ally. But when it comes to loving me as a wife, he really never has embraced me sexually or otherwise. I think my own feelings about this weigh heavily in the anger and sadness I carry beneath the surface. He is so into denial about issues he won’t share with me that I likely will never know why he isn’t attracted to me sexually or why he doesn’t treat me respectfully and lovingly like I have needed. There are definitely issues related to strong women in general. The interesting part is that he selected me. I will go to my grave never understanding him or feeling like he has had an honest conversation with me about his feelings. It is because he just can’t get in touch with them at all. How incredibly sad is that?
I never had the kind of parents that would have nurtured the very best out of me. If anything, my father did his best to inspire me and instill in me a drive to succeed. But I needed loving connectiveness. I needed to feel like I would never be abandoned and I was. Repeatedly. My mother was in her mental illness and my father was in his bottle.
I have come to understand through time that my grown up fears of being alone are misguided because I truly have always been alone. I parented myself quite often. I was alone even though I had a sibling. I am alone in my marriage. Only my daughter offers me the opportunity to express my deep and abiding, faithful love to another human being. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her. She is my reason for living. I was born to be her mother and I am so incredibly grateful for that. She has healed me of the abuse and sorrow of my childhood. She has no idea of how difficult my life was, or even how hard being in my marriage can be at times. Kami deserves both of us to be there for her and I work hard to stay calm despite my hurtful feelings. She truly has no idea.
So getting back to this moment in time. I came to the conclusion yesterday that I am valued by others principally for what I am able to “do” for them rather than who I am at my very core. My essence. I just want to be loved and cherished by the people I love. I want to love and cherish the people in my life that matter to me. Why can’t I make something so simple on the surface happen for me? I am really not sure. But I know the past week has brought my deep discouragement to a level that I am having difficulty coping with.
I think if I were honest with myself, I would take a break for a couple of weeks from everyone and everything. Turn the phone off and disappear. When you’re a grown-up, it is so hard to do. But I know some time in peace and quiet would do wonders for my spirit. I will definitely give that some thought. Life and it’s commitments make anything we need to do for ourselves so difficult. Something inside of me is screaming to be heard. To get out. And I know I need to deal with it before it deals a hand to me I cannot handle.