I had to tell someone I loved today that they had hurt me. More like they had disappointed me. Walking through life we are met with unending disappointments really. But we don’t expect to be hurt by those that we call our closest confidants. When you feel like you are being used, when you really believe yourself to be a close friend, it is one of those AHA moments. You sit straight up and pay attention because it makes you give your head a shake. It causes you to question the very basis of what you saw in this person in the first place.
I have always believed that if you consider the feelings of the person in any situation, and they consider yours, the outcome is the best. Both come from unselfish platforms. Giving places. So there are no losers. Everyone wins because everyone is respected and considered in the decision.
Today – I felt like a second class loser to a television program. I have never come second to a TV show in my life. It truly was a first. And it sent me straight up – I was outraged. I heard, “Your efforts are meaningless to me. Your time is meaningless to me.” And then guess what? “You are meaningless to me.”
So it went straight as an arrow to my abandonment issues. I am still hurt because I believe my words were understood. All that makes me wonder whether this person can really be my friend when they don’t make an effort to understand me. The fact they don’t speak the same language shouldn’t be an excuse for not having the common sense to know you are offending someone with your words.
I am left even more confused. I think I am tired of being taken advantage of. I am overly sensitive and don’t always read things right. But I do know I get taken advantage of more than not. And I am tired of it. I am starting to put my foot down and say how I am feeling.
To this person’s credit, they cared enough to ask and to listen. But I feel shut out and used. I can’t help that feeling. I was led in and dumped – by words that I so wanted to hear. “Wendy, you are important to me. You are my friend. I care about you. I want to be there for you. I want to take care of you. You are a blessing in my life.” All words with little action to back them up.
I don’t know what to believe anymore. So maybe I should shut the emotion off. Stay a distant friend. Stop the feelings of family I had. I don’t know yet – but time will tell.
Like everything in my life. It reveals itself and it usually isn’t good.